Here I am, back from an evening's trick-or-treating. Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I decided to dress up and terrorise all those little bastards who try and do it to me. Obviously, the first issue to be addressed was who I should dress up as. Now I know that these days the kids going out trick-or-treating go at dressed as the likes of Spiderman, Teletubbies, cowboys or Amy Winehouse, even, but I'm a traditionalist. I believe that the costume should have some kind of connection with the idea of Halloween horror. So, being a fan of classic horror flicks, I plumped for the Mummy, not the sub-Raiders of the Lost Ark Steven Somers version, but the proper 1940s type bloke swaddled in bandages. So, here I am in the guise of a long-dead Egyptian - pretty good, eh?
However, once I started my Halloween campaign, I started to discover some of the drawbacks of being a mummy. Now, rather than following the conventional route of going round as part of a gang knocking on doors, I elected to go it alone, lurking in darkened alley ways, ready to jump out and terrify passing gangs of trick-or-treaters. Unfortunately, chasing those pesky kids proved difficult due to the fact that it was impossible to move faster than a shuffle in those bandages. Consequently, I found myself taking quite a pelting from the little bastards, and my nice clean bandages were soon egg and flour stained. A rethink was clearly necessary. Recalling that in some of the later 1940s mummy movies the bandaged one seemed to spend a lot of time lurking in foliage, I elected to retreat to the local park, and try lurching out of the bushes at passing trick-or-treaters. This location had the added advantage of being a good place to meet women, as you can see from the picture. I have to say, though, for any budding sex offenders out there, a mummy costume isn't a good idea - it takes forever to unwrap enough bandages to expose your penis, as I found out when I had to take a leak.
In the end I decided to change tack, and call in reinforcements. The mummy was abandoned in favour of the Wolfman, and I roped in my associate Big Sleazy, who opted for the classic Frankenstein's Monster costume. Unfortunately, we had a bit of a dispute as to our strategy - Big Sleazy wanted to hang around the park, showing off his glow-in -the dark penis, whereas I favoured going back on the streets. Eventually he saw reason (after half a bottle of vodka), and we proceeded to scare the bejasus out of several groups of trick-or-treaters. The Wolfman costume was far easier to chase people in, not to mention quite a bit scarier than the mummy. Anyway, after spending a couple of hours leaving the bastards needing a change of underwear, we retired back here to my house. Big Sleazy is currently sleeping off the other half of that bottle of vodka on the sofa, before we go out again for the night shift. This time we're going to take the fight to the trick-or-treaters. We're planning to climb up drainpipes and leer in through their bedroom windows. Just when they think they're safe in bed - aaaargh! The Wolfman and Frankenstein's Monster are tapping on your window! If some beds aren't wetted tonight, I'll be very disappointed! I sincerely hope that we severely traumatise some of the little bastards. With luck they'll still be too frightened to go trick-or-treating next year!