"Thank you for seeing me, Mr Spielberg. I know you didn't really go for my last pitch - you remember: 'Highway of the Driving Dead', where Zombies are driving around London's M25 orbital motorway, picking up hitch hikers at motorway services and eating them. But I've got this really great new idea for a movie! Trust me it is a surefire winner : 'I Was a Teenage Pope'!"
"Teenage Dope? I don't know, that high school stoner stuff doesn't always go down well in middle America. Maybe Kevin Smith would be more interested..."
"No, not 'Dope', 'Pope'. As in Pontiff. You know - Vatican, funny hat, balcony, all that stuff."
"Pope? So you want to pitch a movie where a teenager is elected head of the Roman Catholic church? I suppose that might have potential. The whole ten rebellion thing in the context of a deeply conservative institution. Yeah, I can see it now - this kid scandalising the Cardinals by roller-skating around the Vatican, but eventually winning them around to usher in a whole new fresh-faced image for the church! I like it already!"
"Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of an average American teenager who, whenever he finds himself about to get to 'first base', embarrassingly transforms into a Pope, and finds himself forced to baptise babies, issue encyclicals and fight liberalism wherever he finds it. Neat, huh?"
"He turns into a Pope?"
"Sure, imagine the transformation scenes: mitre growing out of his head, t-shirt transforming into robes! A CGI field day!"
"Whoah there, let's just go back a bit - just why is he, er, blessed, with this 'gift'?"
"Well, I was thinking maybe he was dropped on his head by the Pope when, as a baby, his devout Catholic parents took him to Italy to be blessed by the Pontiff."
"You know, there are a lot of Catholics in the world - don't you think they might find this a little offensive? A horny teenager turning into the head of their religion every time his hormones start up and he gets a boner?"
"Why do you think I brought it to you, Mr Spielberg? Hell, as a Jewish guy you're perfectly placed to remain objective about this - besides, wouldn't it be payback for Mel Gibson?"
"I'm getting a very bad feeling about this - I really don't want to start some kind of religious war... Security!"
"OK, OK! Look, already I'm getting a whole new angle on this - the Teen Pope, his parents aren't
Catholics, so he has to keep his powers hidden! The story could be one of religious reconciliation, as he and his family comes to terms with his bizarre condition! Hell, it ticks all the boxes: superhero with strange powers; religious blockbuster; heartwarming family drama! It can't lose!"
"Look, Mr, sorry Doc, Sleaze, like I said, this doesn't really sound like my kind of project. What the hell is keeping those security guys? Maybe Kevin Smith, or Adam Sandler and that crowd, it might just be moronic enough for them... Finally! Where the hell have you guys been! Well, it's been nice talking to you again Doc, but I really have to, these guys will escort you out..."
"You don't know what you are turning down here! You'll be sorry, just you wait! This is your last chance - I warn you, I'm taking it to Roger Corman! All I've got to do is write in a couple of car chases and giant alligator and he's guaranteed to greenlight it..."
Labels: Movie Pitches, Musings From the Mind of Doc Sleaze